Sunday, May 8, 2011


I just had someone come up to me and say he initially thought I was gay because I was hanging out with so many gay people.

He was a gay bartender. And it was funny how unabashedly stereotypical he proved himself to be.

I get that a lot though, being thought of as gay. Could be because of the way I dress. Could be because I'm so mouthy. Could be because I once had a girlfriend, which is a lie I sometimes think of telling people who care so much about finding out my sexuality.

I'm not gay, and that definitely makes me less interesting.

Yes, I have a lot of gay friends (my last count tells me I have at least five) and I love hanging out with every single one of them.

It always seemed to me a bit pointless to disapprove of homosexuality.
It's like disapproving of the rain. - Francis Maude

one of those days

I have a dilemma.

I'm at this point in my life where I absolutely don't know what to do.

On one hand there is contentment, a rather uninspired satisfaction that anchors me to where I am. I am certain that if I died now, I would be fine. I would not come back to haunt people. I would leave quietly, trying not to trip on anyone along the way.

But on the other hand, I want to feel something more than uninspired satisfaction. I want to see more of what makes life beautiful. I want to hear more. I want to taste more. Touch more. Feel more. Be more. More. More. More.

But I understand that this intensity is terrifying. This aching for more from life will make me want to hold on to it harder. It would make it difficult to let go when the time comes for me to do so.

That is my dilemma.

And also I don't know what I'm having for breakfast tomorrow.

of quiet desperation

Written on writer Raymond Carver's tombstone:


And did you get what

you wanted from this life, even so?

I did.

And what did you want?

To call myself beloved, to feel myself

beloved on the earth.

out there

I want to live in a cabin in the woods.

Grow a beard.

Learn to play a single piece on the recorder.

Finish a story.

Get high.

Learn how to blend oil pastel colors.

Look out my window and catch leaves fall to the ground.

Write people long letters and tell them I love them.

Wake up one morning with absolutely no hatred in my heart.

I want to live in a cabin in the woods.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Adios, Casey

America finally realized my prediction that it is not quite ready to let go of the era of Auto-tune just yet; Casey Abrams was booted off.

As much as I admire the guy's character and crazy skills, I never expected him to win American Idol. I actually hoped he wouldn't. I thought if he won the competition, he would become mainstream. If he became mainstream, he would surely lose his artistry.

I think Casey Abrams is too special to be begging for teenagers' votes.

I'm also glad I no longer have a reason to watch American Idol now that he's gone. Less downloaded torrents, mean more space in my computer.

Goodbye, Casey Abrams. It was fun while it lasted.