as i am

You know how they say you can be alone and still not be lonely? Well, I am alone. And I am lonely.

It's ridiculous how long it took me to realize this. I used to think that the unhappiness I was feeling was just midlife crisis (I am a firm believer that my life will end at 40, so being 21 now, does make this midlife.) I also thought I could be manic-depressive. I do that sometimes. I try to cover up whatever problem I'm having by giving them silly names and just pushing them to the background thinking that no way could that really be happening. Besides, to be manic-depressive, one has to be manic sometimes. I never was. All the time I was just all sorts of depressed. So maybe I was just going through a stage of depression. Labels pretty much make people crazier than they already are.

Whatever though. Depressed or not, nobody cares. I say this because, well, nobody has ever really asked how I feel. How I'm doing. Not my family, not my friends, not the next-door dog (I don't really have a next-door dog. Pets are not allowed in the building.) The thought that nobody cared enough to ask me how I was used to be really saddening. It puts your ego on check. Now I realize that I am not as important, not as irreplaceable as I used to think. Guess we're all pretty stupid when we're young. But you can't really blame people you know. Everyone is busy fending for their selves. They don't have time for other people and it's not fair to ask them to make time. After all, life is still pretty much governed by natural selection. The strong thrive. The weak fade into oblivion. I am learning to play the cards I've been dealt all by myself. I'm still pretty bad at this, but I'm sure practice will make perfect.

People get sad for different reasons. Some had their heart broken, some lost someone they really cared about, while some find that they're losing themselves. My sadness isn't in any way special.

I am sad because I am doing something I'm not very passionate about.

I am sad because I am somewhere I don't want to be.

I am sad because I don't have any friends.

I am sad because I am starting to realize that maybe, just maybe, all the decisions I've made in the past have been wrong.

I am sad because I was never brave enough to go after what I really wanted.

I am sad because of all the responsibilities that I never wanted and was never prepared to take on.

I am sad because nothing is fair in this world.

I am sad because I feel like it will not be easy remembering how to be genuinely happy again.

I used to be apologetic whenever I said this because I am still pretty lucky and it's probably not that bad from an outsider's point of view, but right now...

I will not be apologetic.

I will say what I have to say.

And good or not, I will come as I am.